Why Amy Koch Should Have Acted Like Newt

Jan 24

You betcha I had an inappropriate relationship. Anyone have a cigarette?

The humiliation of Amy Koch is now complete: The Republican state senator and first female Majority Leader of the Minnesota Senate has been 1) stripped of her leadership positions 2) branded with a scarlet “A” in the public square by her own caucus and 3) bullied — just yesterday –  into relinquishing the short-lived idea of reconsidering  her December decision  not to run for another term.

Minnesota Senate leaders ordering Amy Koch to cover her face and go home and make dinner.

Yes, Koch has been obviously hypocritical in her support of the so-called “marriage amendment” that would prohibit same-sex couples from enjoying the legal benefits of marriage (as well as the legal obligations that come with divorce).  But hypocrisy often comes before the dawn, and Koch has been treated abominably by the Mullahs of her party, the Pharisees who destroyed her for committing adultery (“inappropriate relationship” is the euphemism of the day) with A Powerful Staffer Whose Name Must Not Be Mentioned But is Widely Believed to Rhyme With Kodbrorb.

Mr. Inappropriate: Who is Minnesota's Svengali? Thousands know his name, but the media has kept the Public guessing.


I have directly asked this Kod-Person if he is the naughty senate staffer, but he has declined to answer and, in truth, I respect his silence. I would respect him — and Amy Koch — even more if they just told everyone to go to hell.  We live in crazy times, but not even romantic Republicans should have to be subjected to public smack-downs for doing what humans always have done, especially in big marble buildings that naturally lend themselves to toga parties.

My dear Republicans: Please remember to ask yourselves: WWND?

What Would Newt Do?

The raw sexism that remains in the way women and men are treated is clear in the punishments meted out to Amy Koch and Newt.   Gingrich was asked during a debate before the South Carolina primary last week whether it was true, as his ex-second wife was alleging that same day, that he had asked her to agree to an “open marriage” so that he could continue boinking his mistress (now Wife No. 3) of six years without having to deal with the unpleasantness of divorce. The question was a predictable one, and Newt was prepared to shoot back, castigating the mild-mannered interrogator (John King, my favorite Irish-Farmer-Faced Cable News Guy) as “despicable” and blaming “the elite” Republican-hating media for forcing Newt to buy The Joy of Sex and imagine himself in all the naughty pictures. By the time he was done blustering and bashing, the debate audience cheered its approval, the subject had been tossed aside, and Newtie was cruising to victory.

Meanwhile, in Minnesota, poor Amy Koch was being stoned in the public square.

I feel sorry for her. I really do. Sex at the Capitol is 107 years old, and going strong. She and Mr. Inappropriate were not the first, or the last, and there are lots of other squirmings probably going on right now that, frankly, I’m glad I don’t know about. But imagine that Koch had responded like Newt to the initial allegations last month, when she was confronted by a bull-walrus circle of accusers, all of them braying their disapproval: “There is not one person in this room who hasn’t known pain in their lives,” she might have told the Mullahs and the press, Gingriching her way out of trouble. “Yes, I have had some issues in my marriage that I am working on, but I am astonished that you would have the chutzpah to ask me about them, or to accuse me of anything. Yes, I have had to go to God for forgiveness, but I sure as hell don’t have to go to you guys for it. My personal life is a private matter, just like the lives of all Minnesotans, including those in committed gay relationships who just want to be left alone. Yes, I am changing my position on the marriage amendment, but I will talk more about that later. (editor’s note: OK, I’m fantasizing here, but a boy’s got to dream). In the meantime, it is as close to despicable as anything I can imagine for a pack of middle-aged men to be asking me about my relationships, and you can all go stick it where the sun don’t shine. I am running for re-election, because I did not promise voters that I wouldn’t mess around at work. I only promised that I would work hard for them and do the best I can. They are the only ones who get to decide whether I am fit to represent them here.

“Finally, let me address a few words to Mr. Inappropriate, if you’re listening: I’ll be home by 8. How about some Thai take-out for dinner?”